Campus Counselor

Lu Shih-Chieh, a licensed counselor who has worked at the National Taiwan University of Arts for six years, specializes in self-exploration, couples counseling, and gender equity investigations. He noted that he has encountered numerous cases involving abusive partners—ranging from physical and verbal violence to emotional abuse—and emphasizes the importance of addressing all forms of harm within relationships. We invited a professional psychologist to share their firsthand experience in handling cases of intimate partner violence, offering insights into how psychological patterns help us recognize the warning signs within relationships.

Understanding Violence and Control in Intimate Relationships

Risk Assessment in Intimate Partner Violence

Violence in relationships is often a gradual, escalating process—

rarely obvious from day one. Instead, it unfolds over time through a series of behaviors and events. That’s why understanding the individual’s current situation is essential.

Risk assessment plays a key role in identifying the type and severity of violence, as well as evaluating the level of threat to a person’s safety within the relationship.

Risk Assessment: Understanding Danger in Intimate Relationships

Counselor Lu Shih-Chieh explains that in cases involving physical violence, risk assessments must be handled with care due to potential life-threatening concerns, including suicide risk. The purpose is to evaluate the severity of violence, any past injuries, or police reports, and to determine whether reporting is necessary under national laws.

Since 2011, Taiwan has implemented the TIPVDA system, allowing police, medical workers, and social workers to assess high-risk intimate partner violence cases through standardized screening.

Lu emphasizes that many people may not realize they’re in an abusive relationship. Recognizing the warning signs is the first step toward protection.

How to Identify an Abusive Partner During a Relationship

Counselor Lu Shih-Chieh shares that recognizing early warning signs in a relationship is key to preventing long-term harm.
Some common traits of an abusive partner include:

Alternating between praise and humiliation
Engaging in or threatening self-harm to manipulate their partner
Poor emotional control and low frustration tolerance
Obsessive need for control
Delusional thinking
Causing fear for personal safety

One of the most objective ways to assess potential danger is to observe how a partner handles negative emotions. Psychologically, emotional regulation falls into two categories:

self-regulation (like exercising, reading, or listening to music), and
co-regulation (relying on others to stabilize emotions).

Problems arise when someone over-relies on others to regulate emotions, or lacks the tools to cope on their own. This imbalance can lead to emotional volatility and controlling behaviors, especially under stress.

Lu suggests:

“Watch how your partner handles anger, disappointment, or pressure. Do they take responsibility for their emotions—or do they expect you to manage them for them?”

In the worst cases, those who feel ignored or rejected may lash out. Healthy communication and emotional balance are key to a safe, respectful relationship.

Two Sides of Intimate Partner Violence: The Negative Cycle in Relationships

In many intimate relationships, both partners can become trapped in a destructive cycle, even if only one person initially exhibits problematic behavior.This negative loop often feeds off itself—one person’s actions trigger the other’s reactions, escalating tension and emotional conflict. Over time, this cycle can spiral into verbal, emotional, or even physicalviolence, blurring the lines between cause and consequence.

Breaking this pattern requires awareness, communication, and in many cases, professional intervention.

Control: A Key Indicator of Intimate Partner Violence

In intimate relationships, control and violence often go hand in hand. Controlling behaviors—such as restricting a partner’s speech, friendships, finances, or movement—can create a climate of fear and submission.

Counselor Lu Shih-Chieh warns against mistaking control for care.

“These aren’t signs of love,” he explains. “They’re signs of control.”
He urges individuals to recognize troubling dynamics early and seek help when boundaries are repeatedly crossed.

At its core, intimate partner violence is about control—not love. And the opposite of control is respect. The more control exists in a relationship, the more respect is likely missing. Lu cites David Fincher’s film Gone Girl as a powerful example of psychological manipulation.

Control often works through fear—like discouraging someone from going out. If the person resists, they may face verbal threats, emotional pressure, or even physical violence. Over time, this pattern instills fear to achieve compliance.

Gaslighting: Manipulation Disguised as Emotion

This form of control mirrors what’s known as the gaslighting effect—a psychological tactic where the abuser subtly teaches the victim which behaviors will please or upset them. If the victim doesn’t care, the abuser loses control. But if fear takes root, the abuser has succeeded.

Once this pattern is established, the relationship contains inherent elements of control and coercion.

Ultimately, Lu emphasizes that respecting a partner’s will and autonomy is the foundation of any healthy relationship.
If that respect is missing, what remains may not be love—but control dressed in its place.

The Link Between Repeated Intimate Partner Violence and Attachment Styles

Psychologists warn: A lack of self-identity may lead to unhealthy intimate relationships and attachment styles, and can even result in abusive behaviors in partners.

Police authorities report that many victims file repeated reports or experience recurring incidents. Counselor Lu Shih-Chieh explains that this may be due to individuals being psychologically bound by their partner’s feedback, making it hard to break free from the relationship.

Everyone forms an abstract sense of self, which evolves over time. However, when one’s self-identity becomes overly tied to another person’s responses, a repetitive pattern of abuse may emerge—an issue that warrants attention.

Attachment theory, a well-known framework in psychology, suggests that one’s attachment style is closely linked to early caregiving experiences. If a primary caregiver failed to provide consistent care, the individual may develop an insecure attachment style, which in some cases could contribute to abusive behaviors in adulthood.
That said, experts emphasize that not all individuals with attachment issues become abusers—every case is unique.

In a troubled relationship, where one partner exhibits violent tendencies and the other struggles to leave, the dynamic often reflects a mix of insecure attachment and lack of self-identity. Some remain due to emotional dependence or material comfort. Experts warn that such dynamics undermine long-term relationship health and can lead to lasting harm.

Understanding the Psychology of Abusers in Violent Relationships

In Taiwan, studies on intimate partner violence have largely focused on victims, often overlooking the psychological state of abusers. However, scholars argue that understanding why perpetrators continue violent behavior—and why they often plead for forgiveness afterward—is a critical area of research.

Experts have identified several potential factors that may contribute to abusive behavior in relationships, including:

Low education level
Alcohol or drug abuse
Cohabitation
Large age gaps between partners
Normalization of physical violence
Multiple sexual partners outside the relationship
Childhood abuse
Personal history of committing or experiencing violence in adulthood
Misconceptions about love
Distorted values
Excessive dependency
Poor communication skills
Misinterpretation of sexual dynamics
Unresolved early-life trauma

Experts emphasize that violent relationships are often mutually sustained, continuing only when both partners remain in the dynamic.
An abuser’s persistent need to control is frequently rooted in internal deficiencies—a lack of emotional regulation, self-worth, or stability.

To address such complex relationships, in-depth psychological exploration and counseling are essential to finding meaningful, long-term solutions.

Sexual issues in intimate relationship violence

and psychological recovery of victims

Victims Hesitant to Discuss Sexual Trauma; Legal Protections Strengthened for Non-Consensual Image Sharing

Non-Consensual Image Sharing: A Growing Threat in Modern Relationships

The sharing of private sexual images without consent has become a major issue in modern relationships. While many couples choose to record intimate content during their time together, such material is sometimes leaked or weaponized after a breakup, with former partners using it to threaten or pressure victims into reconciliation.In the wake of high-profile cases like South Korea’s Nth Room scandal and the rise of DeepFake technology, countries around the world—including Taiwan—have begun to address the legal gaps surrounding digital sexual abuse. Once a grey area in Taiwanese law, non-consensual image sharing is now recognized as a distinct legal offense, with specific penalties and protective mechanisms in place.Recent legislative reforms have expanded the legal options available to victims, offering stronger protection and clearer pathways for justice. Experts urge all individuals in intimate relationships to be aware of these laws in order to act quickly and safeguard themselves should such threats arise.

Barriers to Speaking Out: Sexual Trauma in Counseling

Despite a more open societal attitude toward sex, many survivors still struggle to talk about sexual trauma, even in therapy. Counselor Lu Shih-Chieh notes that building trust in the counseling process takes time, and sexual issues are often the last to surface. Victims may also fear the leakage of intimate videos after a breakup, which can become a long-term source of anxiety.Therapists advise addressing such concerns early, before they evolve into deeper psychological burdens.

Facing Sexual Violence: The First Step Is Self-Recognition

One of the biggest challenges in recovering from sexual violence is acknowledging the experience.Many survivors hesitate to seek help because they believe they “consented” or that they are somehow responsible for what happened. This internalized guilt becomes a major psychological barrier—often the first and hardest step to overcome on the path to healing.

The Societal Roots of Sexual Violence and Its Impact on Victim Recovery

In Taiwan, several foundations—such as The Garden of Hope Foundation and the Modern Women’s Foundation—are dedicated to supporting survivors of sexual violence.
While men can also be victims, data consistently show that women are disproportionately affected, reflecting deeper gender stereotypes and structural inequalities within society.

Compared to Western nations, Asian and Chinese cultural norms often prioritize collectivism over individual autonomy. This cultural mindset can be especially problematic in gender-related issues, where personal boundaries and agency are often compromised for the sake of social harmony or reputation.

Sexual violence is not just a personal trauma—it’s an attack on one’s bodily autonomy and right to consent. Survivors may initially believe they made the best decision for themselves, but when incidents are exposed, they often face shame, blame, and public humiliation. This reaction is not just a personal issue—it reflects a broader societal failure to protect and respect victims.

Counselor Lu Shih-Chieh emphasizes that lasting change requires foundational education. He advocates for early gender, identity, and diversity education, aimed at shifting cultural beliefs and building healthier values. While post-crisis intervention is important, he warns that without addressing root causes, the problem will only deepen.

Ultimately, the public exposure and consumption of sexual violence content points to deeper structural issues within society.
To truly support survivor recovery and prevention, we must confront these cultural realities head-on—through education, policy, and a collective shift in consciousness.

Counseling Is Not Crisis Control—It’s a Path to Growth

Psychological counseling is not about seeking extreme solutions—it's a collaborative process based on trust and communication. Through counseling, individuals can gain self-awareness, personal growth, and a better quality of life. Before beginning therapy, an assessment and preparation phase is often needed. Counselors use open dialogue to build rapport and offer a safe space for reflection and exploration.

When it comes to recovering from a toxic relationship, counseling helps individuals review and process past experiences. For example, some may not realize they’ve been repeating the same patterns in relationships—seeking new partners but ending up in the same emotional traps.

Through guided reflection, a counselor can help identify these patterns, understand personal tendencies, and support the individual in developing healthier relationship dynamics and finding practical, sustainable solutions.

Therapy Isn’t the Only Solution—The Power Still Lies with You

While professional counseling can be a powerful tool, it is not a one-size-fits-all solution. Counselors emphasize that therapy must be paired with other forms of support, especially since limited staffing in school counseling systems often prevents students from receiving long-term, consistent care.

Violent or toxic relationships often involve external factors and third parties, making them complex and unpredictable.
Counselors caution against viewing therapy as the only answer—diverse strategies and community-based support are essential for addressing multifaceted problems.

For example, in cases where a partner feels emotionally trapped in a rigid relationship, short-term therapy may not offer immediate change. But by activating additional support networks, such as reconnecting with friends, family, or community resources, the individual can reduce isolation and regain control—weakening the abuser’s hold and rebuilding safety.

Ultimately, the decision rests in the hands of the individual.
Only through personal reflection and resolve can one truly break free from an unhealthy intimate relationship.

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